An afternoon spent perfecting your makeup and hair, re-doing your winged eyeliner, deciding on the perfect casual but not too dressy of an outfit, only to be left wondering why he hasn’t messaged you yet for the date. Another failed attempt you think. What did you do wrong? Why aren’t they more interested? But they asked me out, what happened?
I have a million of these stories, failed attempts at meeting up, failed talking stages, failed near relationships…. It always has me wondering is it me or them?
I feel like I should make myself clear here before you tell me that I only go for the red flag kind of guys. Trust me, I did go through a phase where I was only going for the guys I knew couldn’t or wouldn’t commit to me. Whether I knew it or not, deep down I knew I didn’t want to lose my independence or be in a relationship, so I would self-sabotage by who I went for.
Fast forward to the last few years where I finally feel like I’m ready for…wait for it….my first relationship. Ouch, that was hard to admit out loud. But why does it feel like it’s just getting worse? I turned 25 this year and that’s by no means old but I feel like I’ve missed out on the fun dating years and have jumped straight into the “you need to find someone with a future” phase, and it’s made it so much harder to find that.
Let’s take a look at my series of unfortunate dating history to really get an understanding of where I’m coming from and why I’m exhausted from dating without even really dating yet. Now I’m not perfect and I’ve probably, (most definitely) contributed to my single status but humour me and keep reading.
Let’s go back to brand new university gal Taye, so excited to be in a new city, finally out of university accommodation, living with great people, and enjoying work. Enters the first real guy that wasn’t just a fling or a hook-up but a lovely guy who I built up the courage to ask out. It was the kind of date that gives you butterflies and has you smiling all the way home (this was also my first real proper date), so to say it started out great was an understatement. We messaged all the time; he would come over and we would stay up late watching movies as he told me how different I was (cliché I know) to other girls he met. Told me he was going to Bali to visit his sister and he’ll see me when he gets back, little did he know women are great detectives, and my friends and I found out that his “sister” was actually his ex-girlfriend. Two weeks later they were back together, and I never got an explanation until I saw him at a bar a year later. I did get that apology but it still didn’t hurt any less.
What about the guy I talked to for a year online- yes you read that correct….one whole year! I knew him through one of my friends, I love myself an athlete and our online conversation was actually really good. I swear he knew more about me than some of my friends we talked that much, but when it came to catching up it would be excuse after excuse. I came to the conclusion it was probably just more exciting never meeting and just keeping it as an online flirtation and that his professional sport kept him busy. But then after nearly a year of talking to each other, I was stuck at work one night without a ride home, so he offered to come pick me up. This was after a twelve-hour shift, I looked like a mess and it was definitely not how I wanted to meet him, but I agreed. After an average ride home and a few texts everything seemed fine, but come the next day he wouldn’t reply to any of my messages and he soon unfollowed and unliked my photos. Confused was one way to put it. The first thought that popped up in my head was that ‘he didn’t think I was very attractive in person; side angle and all that or he didn’t like my vibe and was just removing himself from wasting further time on me. All in all, I wasted a year messaging him and only him. Rookie mistake by me though by not being interested in anyone else that whole year.
Now here’s one where I feel like a lot of people will be able to relate to. The ill-fated strung along “friendship”. This is that person that you stupidly ignore all the signs that they don’t want a relationship with you, but you’re so willing to ignore those signs just so you keep any kind of friendship or connection to them. This is different from a ‘fuck buddy’ (but not really), because there was more of a friendship foundation first, and somewhere along the way you felt privileged when they saw you as something more. But as you know where this story is going, it’s not real feelings or the want of a relationship from them, it’s purely sexual attraction and you know this, but you keep going back regardless.
Let me set the scene for you. They only message when they are single either as a friend or something more. They completely ignore you when they are talking to someone new so even your friendship is not there anymore. When they’re single again or back in the state/country they’ll message you to “catch up”, you know this catch up is not a coffee hang or simply lying down listening to records, it’s purely because they need someone to feel their void and you always reply. You’re not important to them and they’ll never see you as anything more because “you’re not relationship material to them”, but they’ll easily date the next girl they talk to. At the end of the day they’re not even really a friend so why don’t I just cut them off? After years of similar situations, I truly believed this was all I could get and all I deserved, so I didn’t want to lose even that. Now I see it for what it is- the rebound girl until they find someone else. I do believe I’m worth more now thank god, so we’re saying goodbye to that chapter.
Are you still following? Are you cringing hard yet or shall I continue? I’m going to continue regardless.
Ok, so what about when I give the nice guys a chance that actually want to be with me? Well, I do, trust me I give them more than a few chances. We get along great, they worship the ground I walk on, they are sweet, and they get along with my friends what’s not to like? There may be positives but oh god are there a lot of negatives that you try to overlook so it will work. Like what you might ask? I’ll take you back to one example, shall I?
You hit it off when you first meet and you get excited because he’s really sweet and nice, and you can tell he likes you and I mean really likes you. But when it comes to making plans, let’s just say he lets his personal life choices get in the way. On the first date, you’re getting ready, and you make sure you move your day around, so you have enough time to get ready and meet for dinner. Only for him to never message you all day and night as he was hungover and forgot to tell you he couldn’t make it. What makes it more embarrassing is that your friends were there to witness you getting ready and all excited only to see you sitting on the couch waiting for a call or message that never came. You give him the benefit of the doubt a month later because he’s trying really hard to make it up to you. You start hanging out and it’s easy, it’s like you’ve known each other for years, he’s friends with your brother and friends. It’s easy and simple.
But then it’s not. You make plans that always fall through because he either forgot, he’s suddenly busy or he’s hungover. You slowly start to detach when you’re hanging out, you no longer feel that spark and you tell him. Now he amps it up, he calls you every day, replies to every story and photo but by now you don’t care, and you’ve lost interest. It’s too late. Another failed attempt you tell yourself.
Do you want more? Can you handle more depressing stories? Ok here’s one more to end this blog.
The classic case of meeting online. You chat for a little bit before one of you suggests catching up in person. I usually don’t like to jinx any potential relationship or date because of my terrible past of dates never happening, so I usually don’t tell anyone about them. But this one time I decided to clear the potential person and date with my group of friends. Low and behold one of my good friends have already been on a date with him (an overnight date) but suggested I should still give him a chance even though it didn’t work out with them.
Although she was fine with it I felt weird going on a date with somebody that had already been with my friend recently. I proceeded to tell the online guy this and although my profile has her all over it, he swears he didn’t know we were close friends. I canceled, but weeks later he tried again and this time I felt more inclined, and I partially agreed. That is until I shared the details of the messages with the group chat, my friend let me know that everything he was saying to me was pretty much a copy and paste. Down to the pick-up lines, the choice of restaurant, and the general messages. I wasn’t special I was just his Friday night date that he takes everyone out on, it felt pretty shitty, and I canceled.
Now don’t even get me started on the numerous dates I’ve been asked on that never happened either because they never followed up on it, they ghosted me, or because they suddenly got into relationships. We would be here all day and night reading those stories, but I think it’s time we end the trip down memory lane and instead focus on the ‘what now?’
Although they may not know it but from every failed talking stage, every heartbreak, and every misuse of someone’s heart it chips away at a person. I like to think I’m a very open person and I love meeting new people, but when it comes to putting myself out there it’s almost like I’m numb to feeling or letting myself feel anymore. It’s not that I don’t want it for myself I’ve just given up giving my all. I’ll still try but my effort level is at a 60/70% now and I’m just self-sabotaging myself again.
If you’ve read my previous blogs on why it’s important to feel and why we shouldn’t give up on love you’d be surprised to hear that I’ve come to this new conclusion for myself. I believe in love for other people and I’m such a hopeless romantic but in this day and age romance isn’t what it used to be, so I’ll resort to old Taye for a bit until someone sneaks their way into my heart.
In terms of what I’ve learned, it’s actually a fair bit. I know what I want and what I don’t want. I can tell when someone respects me or just wants me for something else, and that’s fine as long as I know what I’m getting myself into. I’ve learned that I don’t have to be so serious with it all and that I can allow myself to have fun before letting someone in. I’ve learned that I hold myself back from getting serious with people because maybe my past affects me more than I thought. I’ve also learned that I’m extremely lucky to have my independence and my younger years spent on doing whatever I wanted to do.
Here’s to another 25 years single and being the cool aunt with great stories at family gatherings. Good luck to all my hopeless romantics out there, you’re unique and special and you deserved to be treated that way.
I hope you all find love one day; I hear it’s pretty amazing.
Love T, xx
Is this about one guy split into 3? He is garbage